


The Art of Not Loving You Too

by daveck



Category: Castle
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-04-04
Updated: 2012-04-04
Packaged: 2017-11-03 01:03:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/375350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daveck/pseuds/daveck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If she can <i>not love him</i> in silence, he can stop loving her that way too.</p><p>Post 47 Seconds. WIP.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Art of Not Loving You Too

**Author's Note:**

> I promised myself I wouldn’t write a fix-it after watching the last few episodes, but I have a feeling that’s exactly what this is going to turn into. (The Angst is strong in this one.) 
> 
> As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts. 
> 
> **Disclaimer** : Castle belongs to a genius greater than mine. No copyright infringement is intended and no profit is being made from this.

That first day, the first morning, he doesn’t stop for coffee. Can’t walk the normal way to work, doesn’t want to pass _their_ coffee shop, and so he goes without.

 

She does too, misses that first cup he brings her, and he sees her notice. Her brow furrows in confusion at his empty hands, but then she’s moving on with her day, she doesn’t dwell, and it’s as if she barely cares at all. It’s as if it has no impact, the way he takes care of her, or the way he _doesn’t_ , and that just reinforces the certainty in his mind.

 

She doesn’t need him. She won’t miss him.

 

Good, he thinks, that’s good.

 

Well, no, maybe not _good_ but better. _Better._ Because he can at least see things for what they are now.

 

The smile she gives him each morning and the way it’s just a _thank you_ not an _I love you too_ and he can do this –

 

 _See how I don’t need you? See how I can_ not _love you too?_

 

– Except that he’s quick to realise that no, he probably can’t, not like this, and it’s not working.

 

By mid-morning he has a caffeine headache and he’s thinking so hard about _not thinking about her_ , exerting so much effort and energy into the endeavour that in the end it’s all he is thinking about.

 

But he doesn’t make a move for the break room all day, he doesn’t surrender to the urge, because he doesn’t think he can get away with not refilling her mug. Too much, he thinks, too obvious, and he’s trying to avoid a confrontation, not cause one.

 

If she can _not love him_ in silence, he can stop loving her that way too.

 

But, by the end of his First Day of Not Loving Beckett, he’s still thinking about her and okay, it’s almost constant, and yeah, maybe it’s even a little bit more than it was before. He can’t help the way his eyes still track her, the way he’s still watching the way she moves, even from his new, unofficial perch near Ryan’s desk. He can’t help himself when he can’t see her, can’t prevent himself from keeping an ear out for the sound of her heels, and yeah, he’s not doing so great at the Not Loving of Beckett.

 

But.

 

He’s noticing all the way he notices her, and that’s a good thing, because if he knows then he’ll know how to stop.

 

It _will_ be easy, like he told his mother – 

_Watch me._

 

– Even if he hasn’t managed it _yet_.

 

And this? It’s just the caffeine, he reasons, because he _can_ turn it off. He _will_. Even if he has to fake the emotion and feign the indifference, even if he has to pretend he’s whole until he feels that way. He can do it.

 

He has before, hasn’t he?

 

And so, the ache in his chest, the way his head throbs and his thoughts keep skittering, it’s just that he’s worked with cops too long. He’s let their habits rub off on him as much as some of his, he thinks, have made the transfer across to them.

 

It’s just that he’s become somewhat addicted.

 

To the caffeine.

 

Not to her. 

 

Not to the way he feels when he’s loving her.

 

–

 

 

_TBC…_


End file.
